The Unknown Sacrifice

Anger Sharks

It's like that scene from Anger Management, where they're in a group session, and the 76'er fan just laughs how Allen Iverson missed a lay up. Then all of a sudden his face turns red, he growls, jumps up and yells. "The anger sharks are swimming through my head. You gotta dunk that shit! You gotta dunk that shit!" And it's like he loses control.

It's been said that war changes a person. Well war only changes a person that's actually been through war. The majority of the Armed Forces don't see combat. They don't see death. They just don't. Hell, even amongst the combat arms, only a small percentage of them don't see combat either. For the rest that do, it makes them a different person. I know I'm different. Not the same man I once was before I deployed. After you've been over here, and been through some of the shit we go through, everyone has PTSD of some degree. It's sad to say but it actually keeps us alive. A certain sound causes us to duck down and focus that much harder. Or a certain sight of something, or lack there of, causes us to have more caution. It's not really experience talking to us, it's a small bit of fear. I know that in certain places of our AO, that if we don't see any farmers out or if they start moving away, that we should be that much more watchfull. Or if they're no cars out on the road, that we need to pay more attention to whats around us.

I've been through a lot in the past few months that have effected me. I've had an eighty-pound IED blow up nine meters away from me, honestly I probably shouldn't be here. I've walked over IEDs, and had someone behind me find them, leaving me to wonder about that inch between life and death I just crossed. I've been in a vehicle and watched the puffs of dirt that kick up from bullets literally walk their way into my truck's door, hearing the rounds pinging into the armor. I've ran through thirty meters of open field and machine gun fire just because I had to make sure two of my soldiers were alive after we got ambushed. I've had bullets inches from my head, between my legs, hitting dirt inches around me, in front of me, the cover I was using, every where but me. Never been touched. Never been hurt. But I still got scars from it all.

I have anger sharks. Maybe not as serious as the 76'er fan, but they're still there. I can feel them working their way around my head. I can see them affecting my life both in the Army and outside of it. I see something, I read something, or I hear something that wouldn't normally get me angry, does. I'm not at a point where I'm going to lose control and go on a killing spree. I'm not that bad. I just have issues. We all do over here. My issues affect my outside life. I get angry about things, but can never get the whole reason out, in fear of losing control. The anger sharks can sense a feeding frenzy, and I have to do what it takes to keep them calm.

Again?

So it's a lazy day for my platoon and I. We're like reserve reserve QRF so its unlikely we'll get called out. Oops. It's my platoon right? Actually it's just me and my truck. We get called to spin up and link up with another platoon to offer then support. Apparently there's some heavy action going on up North. In fact while my crew and I are getting the truck ready we can hear the distant explosions. Not one or two, or a few here and there, but a shit ton. Yes, that's an actual number. In the twenty minutes we were out there waiting to roll we counted in the high 20's on explosions. Some small others big enough to feel a little, and this fight is taking place almost 8 klicks away.

So everyone's ready to roll and we head out the gate to the main road. We're barely even on it when we meet more Afghan Security guys and they're pointing and shooting in the woodline across the road. It's about this time we start taking heavy accurate small arms fire. Unsure exactly what, but it was accurate. We're all traveling North, and the contact is on our West side so I got a good view out my driver's side window. We roll forward a little to find a better spot to shoot when all of a sudden we can see rounds hitting the side of the truck in front of us. Since these guys were in a woodline and with no buildings around I tell my gunner, whos gunning a MK19 40mm grenade launcher, to open up on that woodline. As he fires explosions ripple up and down the woodline from his gun. It was beautiful. We exchanged a lot of rounds. It was a good 20min fire fight. Not solid mind you, but a pretty good amount of the time.

Our TOC tells us that there are enemy moving South trying to get away from us, and we're to pursue. Which we're happy to do. We take off down a dirt road trying to re-engage the enemy when Apache helicopter support rolls in. Anyone who's seen an Apache while they're in contact can agree those beasts are angels in the sky. Beautiful. Well a few hundred meters of traveling down this road and a big ass IED blows up in front of the lead vehicle. Scared this shit out of everyone. Luckily it missed. Now our Apache pilots were shit hot, a few seconds later they had eyes on the trigger man running into a woodline. For the next thirty minutes they spend trying to level that orchard. 30mm nose cannon, rocket runs, everything. Again, beautiful. Lucky for the trigger man he managed to squeeze out, but it was still an impressive show of power.

Over all it was a fun day that let us level a lot of woodline. No one hurt.

Randomness

Silence. Darkness. Evil. Fear. Adrenaline. These are the things that make up the night. When you can't see. When you hear things that aren't there. Where your imagination runs wild with everything that can possibly go bump in the night. It's a place not for the weak minded, or the swift of foot. That only means you're more likely to run away then face your fear. Everyone has the instinct. Hell, everything on this world has the instinct. Flight or fight. When something suddenly scares you your mind races, your heart hammers, and your adrenaline rushes through your body; all in an instant. In that split tenth of a second your mind decides either to take flight, or take fight. The majority take flight. Better to run away and live another day, right? But why live in another day of fear? I chose fight. Better to take the fight to your enemy when they least expect it, when they have the element of surprise. Take fight and beat the darkness away. Take fight and take the evil away. Take fight.

War

War, what a fucking waste.

A waste of humanity, a waste of time, a waste of resources, a waste of energy, a waste of life, a waste of money, a waste of being.

I can not blame the waste on those who sent us. I can no more blame the politician for sending us to this war then I can blame the mechanic for taking my car to fix it.

What must be done is never unlogical no matter how wasteful it is.

It's not Rice Crispies!

Snap. Crack. Pop. Yeah it's not fucking Rice Crispies. Instead it's the sound three AK-47s and a RPK make when the people manning them open up on your platoon during a dismouned patrol. You wanna talk about scary? Or the ultimate thrill? Nothing in the world beats getting shot at. Not bungie jumping. Not sky diving. Not even swimming with fuckin sharks. No. Having another individual aim his weapon at you, and pul the trigger is the world's greatest thrill.

So there we were coming up onto hour ten of or patrol. Everyone was tired. We've been up since fucking 1am getting ready. Walked numerous klicks carrying a little under our own body weight. And these four assholes just opened up on us. I was leading the front team, or alpha team, and was lucky enough to have a decent sized berm between us and the bullets. The rest of my platoon was pretty much in the open with just a small mound of dirt to protect them. As soon as those bullets started popping over our heads we knew we were in the shit. My team ran to the top of the berm and started returning fire. Now I can honestly say that we acted pretty quickly. We achieved fire superiority extremely quick. Now the enemy's fire shifted numerous times during our engagement. We were spread out, they were in one spot. They started out opening up on the position where me and my team were at, then switched to the rest of the platoon, then unfortunetly came back to us. Yay. It was at about the time they came back to my team that we started lobbing in M203 grenades at them. Ten total from start to finish. Now I don't know what was going on in the minds of the enemy, but at this point in time i can guess they were about to shit their pants. Not only did we get 10 M203 rounds on target, but our mortarman who was with us managed to get off one 60mm mortar round. That dood was shit hot. So yeah I can seriously doubt that the four guy in the woodline knew what they were getting into. Right after that round blew up in the woodline they high tailed it outta there. From start to finish the total time of engagement was around one minute. One chaotic minute. For how exposed we were, we were lucky to not have anyone get hurt. Seriously. If they would have opened up on the trail element instead of my team it would have been a different story.

This place is getting worse and worse as the summer goes on. God I can't wait for winter!

Superstars

It's weird. People know who we are just by where we're from. I'm talking about my COP ( Combat Out Post ). That's how crazy the shit is over here. Where ever we go people ask us where we're from, and when we reply with the name of our base it's almost like they can't believe we're still alive or something. Just the other day, the 17th of July, a convoy of us went to our main battalion base so some guys could have a video conference with their wifes. A buddy and I walked into one of the many numerous buildings for some business, and a senior sergeant commented that we looked like we've been spending some nights in the dirt. My buddy and I exchanged glances and laughed before telling the sergeant that, "Yeah, we spend most nights outside the wire on a patrol or some other bullshit someone can think up." He proceeded to ask us where we were from and when we told him he laughed, shook his head, and I quote, "Wow really? They're [ The Taliban ] throwing damn near everything they can at you guys, huh? Some serious shit going on down there." Mind you this is a guy who doesn't leave his base, much less the office we found him in. Just the way his attitude towards us changed made us feel like we should give him our autographs or something. It was strange. Thats not the only time either. I had a good friend of mine leave for the main airbase for our Brigade, and he got the same reaction from the people there. Like really, can they not believe that after all the shit that goes down in our AO ( Area of Operation ) we're still alive? That instead of us being there it's a figment of their imagination? Or some mythical being? We laugh and enjoy it cause really we are just doing out jobs and these POGs ( Position Other then Grunt ) will never know the shit we've gone through. They just hear all the bad shit that goes down. Like the day we had seven firefights, and multiple indirect attacks. Or the fact that my company team alone has hit 2/3's of our brigade's IEDs, in my company's AO alone. We numbered somewhere around the 30s in two months, averaging one every other day. Man those were the exciting times .. end sarcasim.

It's kinda strange to think about all the shit our company team has been through, and yet there are still platoons in our battalion that haven't even seen any action yet. We actually pity those guys. Hear me out now .. If you had to spend 4-6 grueling months of training, then almost another year of similiar training, and you finally get the job but aren't able to put your skills to the test you'd be kinda mad too. That's how we are in the Infantry. Yeah sure it sounds insane when you say you want to get shot at, but you want to see what you got after all that training. It's like a right of passage. You get shot at, you react, you get back to base, and you passed the test. You held your own against the enemy. You didn't freeze. You reacted because of all that training, and you feel good. You feel confident. Hell I can honestly say that I am extremely confident in my platoon when it comes to us taking contact or hitting an IED. At first there were hiccups as people had to remember the training and what to do. Now it's almost second nature, whish isn't a good thing either by the way.

This is our life. Lived through our eyes, and my finger tips. I hope that those of you who don't know me or do, have their eyes open as to what truely goes down across the giant pond. I can honestly say that everything that has been typed is true to the point. Nothing made up. Nothing unreal. Nothing imaginary.

Episode 11

Smile

Today was probably the greatest day during my time in Afghanistan. I got to see my wife, live on a video conference. Needless to say, it was perfect. We both needed it. It's different then chatting on a webcam, or talking on a phone. You can see the smile form and hear her laughter. Man I've missed just watching her face lite up. That twenty five minutes really gave me the booster I needed to get through this last half. I just hope theres another chance to do that again, cause frankly I'm kinda depressed now. It'd be awesome if we had that at our base and could do it like once a week. I really don't think there'd be any moral problems on our base ever. Seriously. Now I just miss her even more.

Busy Little Bees

July 13- Pretty much the title sums it all up for this one. Really. It was one hell of a day for us. It started at 0730 with a wake up for a morning PT session. It went okay, up until we started hearing the sounds of gunshots North of us. It wasn't any US convoy, but those damn Afghan Security Contractors. Figures. Well we got called out. Turns out it wasn't just the security company getting hit, but also the ANP ( Afghan National Police ) and our Scout platoon. Now this is unheard of. A three pronged ambush by the Taliban? They had to be mad or something. So we roll out and chill at the ANP station, no contact there anymore. As soon as we get there, the security contractors continue their movement South. Five hundred meters from us they get hit, again! Four direct fire incidents so far today. We roll out and then we start taking fire. Now this isn't just sporadic small arms. No. We could actually see these guys trying to maneuver up on us. Kinda surreal to hear over the net that a truck has eyes on a man with an RPG moving behind buildings to get closer. Really makes you wanna be some where else. Well during our TIC ( Troops in Contact ) we managed to get a camera to record some of it. It's pretty bad ass. I'm yelling in it. I was excited. My gunner was lighting those mofo's up. Shit was awesome. So thats number five. At this time our COP ( Combat Out Post ) starts taking indirect rounds. We can hear the shots being fired some where in front of us, so we go to check it out. As we're moving the ANA ( Afghan National Army ) base next to us also comes under indirect attack. So far thats five direct fire, and two indirect. Well during the nect hour that we're moving through this village we don't see anything. So we move on to spend some time at the ANP station. There, our base comes under indirect fire again. Really? Man this is crazy. Not only do they come under indirect fire, but also they get hit with a burst from an automatic weapon. now that one is a first. Now we're at six and three. We hang out at the ANP station a little more before heading down South to overwatch a section of the main road. There we hang out until our scheduled time to return of midnight. We never make it. Our base once again comes under indrect fire. Six to four. Our second platoon heads out to where our base was getting shot at, and then they come under small arms fire. Their TIC is pretty intense actually.  Seven to four. At this point our COP spots guys in the woodline from where they took indrect earlier in the day, and send for Apaches. Once the birds get on station they find a guy with a weapon and take him and his buddy out. We get called to go pick up their bodies. At this point it starts to become a loooong night. We accomplish that mission and spend the net few hours securing the site, and then moving back to baes.

July 14- It's around 6 am when we get back to base, and we're supposed to leave again at noon to escort the PUC we captured to another base. Well .. an hour later we're rolling out to do just that. Man are we tired as fuck. We don't get any more sleep until 2300 tonight. The rest of the day was spent at the main base and driving around trying to get the small shit done. Seriously, we're so exhausted that we can't sleep. Yes, it's possible. Now I find myself tired, but writing this to get it out. It's time for bed for me. We got Force Pro the next few days, which isn't all that relaxing fyi.

 

Episode 10

Isn't This A Surprise?

So pretty much the Army hates it when you write in pencil on any forms and such, and yet it seems all the orders they write for us are written in just that. Why pencil you ask? Because they can erase it and put something else thats bullshit in it's place. I mean seriously. You'd think that with us over here they'd tell us one thing and keep it as that. What one thing? Oh our date for being back state side: Christmas. You know how much of a fucking moral booster it is to be told by your battalion chain of command that you'll be spending Christmas in New York with your loved ones? Man, it's huge! And yet, six months down, we've just been told that that's not happening. We'll be home by the end of Janurary. Seriously? Really man? Now? After all this unit has been through? After all the blood that's been shed you're going to tell us we won't be home for Christmas now? Wow. Smooth. I guess you could say we all got our hopes up. We should have seen it coming. I mean come on, it was too good to be true. Hell, my last deployment we got extended with 65% of our unit either back in the states, or starting their journey. Now that was a kick to the nuts with a pair of steel toed boots. This? This is close. This just fucking sucks. The worst part of it all is having to break it to my wife. That shit kills me the most. Yes, I understand no one forced me to sign the dotted line. Should I go drink water and drive on? If anyone that reads this thinks that all I'm doing is whining, go wash your mouth out with some buckshot. Go try living a year apart from your loved ones in a place where death visits daily, and all you can do is give it the middle finger. Then plan on being home for the holidays, and having that plan ripped out fright from under you. Do all that then come talk to me. I hate this job. I won't lie. I wish my job wasn't needed. It's horrible. Horrible on us as individuals, and horrible on the families. Don't even get me started on the families. You wanna talk about a strong person? Talk to my wife. Talk to anyone's wife thats gone through this. Talk to anyone's Mother or Father. Once you've accomplished that, go find one that belongs to an Infantryman. You'll find yourself with a whole new found respect for inner strength. I just wanna get home and spend some quality time with my family. Fuck this country. Fuck this job. See you all in six months again.

Episode 9

A New Chapter

May 11 - So it's been a while. May 11 I headed back to Carwile. A little early then what I was hoping. ( I was hoping for a few more days of rest ) But I think it'll be good to get back to the COP. ( Combat Outpost) My convoy left around 10pm. One of our platoons came to the main FOB ( Forward Operating Base ) to pick me up on their way back to the COP. Since I was riding in the back I decided to take a nap. What else was I to do? Now where are certain words that are embedded into a combat vet such as myself, and "gun shots" is one of them. Our gunner thought he heard gunshots, and that's exactly what he said. So .. I woke up from my dead sleep, a little mad cause I was enjoying said nap. Our convoy stopped so they could check out the wood line to our West. All of a sudden our gunner yelled that he had eyes on them. Them of course being the Taliban. At this moment in time the enemy decides to pop off a few shots. Five max. That's when the might of the US Army got unleashed. In a show of over whelming fire superiority our gunner, along with another gunner manning a .50cal machine gun, put around 400 rounds down range. Not only was there no return fire at this point, but they also missed .. horribly. I think they need more range time. Now don't get me wrong .. it sounded bad ass. Any grunt would have gotten a hard on during that. It was a great welcoming back party, seeing as how that was my first official day back on the job. Afterward we headed back to our COP where managed to finally get back with my platoon and my cot. Ahh .. my sweet beloved cot. The platoon that escorted me back was of course all talk about their TIC, ( Troops In Contact ) but I've seen and felt more excitement in a Call of Duty game. Meh. It is good to just be back. Already told before bed to pack my assault pack for a mission tomorrow. I'm told it'll be somewhat exciting. Yippie.

 

May 12- The day is spent packing our shit, and getting our trucks ready. We're going to be leaving at night for a new district center that's began to be targeted by the Taliban. Get some. Night time rolls around and we leave. It's a long ass drive and since I'm a gunner I just get bounced around constantly. I'm getting too old for this.

 

May 13- Now this was a hot day. Clear blue sky. Not a cloud in sight. The dust was extra dustier. Man it sucked just sitting up in that turret all damn day. At least I got to start my tan. My farmer's tan. Around mid day was when the excitement kicked off. We started taking indirect rounds. A combination of mortar and recoiless rifle rounds. The rifle rounds were inaccurate and mostly sailed over head, a few landed close. The mortar rounds how ever were being walked into our position. It's kinda strange to just watch puff after black puff of deadly shrapnel move towards a cluster of vehicles. About this time was when I got eyes on the POO ( Point Of Origin ) site through my optical sight. I was manning an anti-tank missile weapon system. When I saw them shoot a round I got excited, they were within my range. When I peeked my head from around the sight, I spotted to my dismay a vehicle that was danger close to the flight path of the missile. There went that awesome attack out the window. Shortly after that I noticed through my sight that the mortar team was fleeing in a vehicle. So of course I called it up, we fired a few mortar rounds at them, missed, and we called it a day. Talk about one hell of a first day on our mission.

 

May 14- I didn't think it was possible after yesterday, but today was even hotter. I know right? That was the high light of the day. No attacks. No reports. No nothing. Just us guys working on our farmer's tans and trying to not be bored.

 

May 15- Jesus this was the day of days. After the May 13th attack my platoon had planned some forward fighting positions for our trucks to try and get better eyes on the target, and a clear firing slot. It was around 5pm with it happened. These sons of bitches were now shooting mortars at my truck. How do I know this you're asking? Oh I dunno .. the black cloud of an explosion that suddenly appeared fifty meters in front of my truck. That was like the starting shot at a race. Our HMMWV turned over, and we took off like a bat outta hell for our first spot. Now on the back of my truck's turret is a piece of bullet proof steel that swivels down to enable me to safely shoot the missile, I had this down just so I could shoot. At our first spot we stopped so I could start scanning. That's about when another round landed thirty meters behind us. Now again we moved, but I'm going to pause for a moment. From this moment until the action stops, some where in between I suffered a slice to my left wrist. Be it shrapnel from that near miss or something else not even I know, my adrenaline was rushing. So after the mortar lands I quickly find out that I can't see where it's coming from, so again we move further on down. At this spot again I couldn't see anything, but by this point there's been no more mortar rounds landing so we rolled back to our patrol base. I get my wrist treated, and we hunker down for the night. This was a bad day, and not because of my injury. Today is the day that I lost two good friends of mine. It was a hard hit to our company, but more specifically to us who not only knew them but also served with them on our last deployment. I had the honor of actually working side by side one of them since he was in my platoon. That one hurt the most, but also because he was my neighbor for a few months before our deployment. Hell, my wife got to know him pretty good. It was rough. Part of me actually refused to believe it. Out of anyone it had to be those two? These guys had personality. It was tough. Sure I've lost friends last deployment, but they weren't as close to me as these two were. God I miss them, and always will.

 

May 16- Boring day. A day that still say us sad over the loss of our good friends. Our CO ( Commanding Officer ) kept us busy to try and keep our minds off of what happened. What was he, retarded? That's all we could think about. It was fuckin' rough man. Today we just did a few patrols around the district center. Didn't see anything at all.

 

May 17- It was another one of those days. We got word that we were to be relieved by another platoon, and get a chance to come back to base for a little rest. Man did we need it. How ever the Taliban had other plans for us in the name of an IED. It wasn't just any IED, this mother fucker was huge. Should have done a lot more damage the what it did, but thank God they blew it just a second too early. I didn't think it was possible for a 12 ton vehicle to jump over a seven foot gap in the road just by riding the force of the blast. Yeah, that's how big it was. Thankfully no one was injured. A little shaken up, but good. I had a good view of the blast because I was the truck next in line. Better them then me .. My HMMWV wouldn't have made it through that. It took a few hours to get a wrecker down to us, and an hour after we got back to base, it got attacked with indirect. Oh no don't send out a platoon that's been on the base for a while, send out the platoon that's just getting back from five days out and hitting a big fucking IED. Yup, they sent us back out. Horse shit. The plan was to be back by midnight, but that got nixed. Another night spent living in a truck.

 

Episode 8

( I figure I'll do one week posts until I'm caught back up. The majority of this is word for word as is written down in my journal, but a few spots I added to when I remember another detail. Mind you, names of people and places have been removed on purpose. I do not wish to discuss these things on a blog at this moment in time. You know .. ComSec and shit. I did choose to explain what certain acronyms mean. It wouldn't be nice if you didn't understand at least what it meant. )